Summer's been... well, summer-like. I've been working more than normal, Ace is still unemployed (just enjoying being home, cooking, taking care of the garden, and having no employment responsibilities right now), and Princess is hanging out quite a bit (she did end up with an accumulative 3.75 GPA for the year; 6 A's and 2 B's, both semesters). We've decided to hold off on driver's ed (she's just not ready; she will renew her permit in December and we'll continue to offer her the keys as she's comfortable), have taken a few more exploratory drives, went on a couple more hikes, got our Life Insurance figured out (did you know USAA, among others, will send a medical rep to your house to take your blood & urine sample!??! Awesome.), and have had all of Ace's distributions paid out.
Because of time, I am now three and a half episodes behind in my friend's online nail show, and have yet to work on my online class. I'm going to try to get caught up on the show by end of summer, but will wait until Ace finds a job to work on the class. The two older kids are doing well; just working as much as they can right now. Princess did her trip to Ashland and another trip to Utah; both were enjoyable for her, but I think she enjoyed Ashland more. When she got home, she shared stories of how much "adulting" she did there, and is considering adding SOU to her list of possible colleges.
Since she returned from Utah, she's been at home with us a lot, but has also joined me at work (sometimes even working for me doing dusting, reorganizing, etc), hung out with some friends, and had a very productive meeting with her theatre friends & their new teacher. Six of them met up with Ms. S at a local coffee shop and were there for over three hours, discussing their ideas for plays, more student involvement, more community involvement, and more. They have plans to meet again before school starts.
A few weeks ago, I realized her passport expires toward the end of September, so last week, we took all her old paperwork (with her birth name), new paperwork (with her adopted name), adoption/name change court documents, old passport, and a new/adult passport application (at 16y, you're an "adult" in that you can affirm to your own identity without permission from both parents) to the passport office (which, we found, had moved... but not too far). The woman behind the counter (who happened to be the mother of one of Princess's old cheer teammates) was subbing for the guy who usually works there while he was on his lunch break, and she wasn't sure she did it right... Luckily, the guy came back from lunch as she was finishing up, and corrected a couple things. So, now we wait 4-6 weeks (not that we're going anywhere out of the USA any time soon).
Two weeks ago, I was sideswiped on my way into work. Seems the 16yo driving the Volvo that hit me (as well as rear-ended a work van) fell asleep (admitted to us, as well as the Beaverton police officer). This was kind of a cluster this time around; for the first time, USAA told me to go to Kadel's for the "initial estimate" (um, fishy much?), but of course, I can *take* it anywhere to get fixed. After I sent in the two estimates, USAA then distributed a check to me in the amount of the (much lower) Kadel's estimate. I sent my adjuster a message about "why", and never got an answer, so I called and spoke to the other adjuster who had been contributing to my online communication. I then called my shop and told Steve what happened. He asked that I email him the Kadel's estimate, and he would look it over, talk to USAA, and call me back. The next morning, he said that we will start will the Kadel's list and submit supplement requests as they fix more stuff (seems Kadel's missed quite a few things... ugh); no additional funds out of my own pocket. Anyway, I go in to our usual shop tomorrow; car rental will meet me there, as I will need a rental while the shop has my car.
The three of us went to the Washington County Fair to see Gabriel Iglesias (aka: FLUFFY!), and wander the fair. We got some fair food, visited the animals, really enjoyed the concert, and ran into Princess's cousin, N.G.! Hugs, kisses, and a quick catch-up was all we had time for, but it was nice to see him. Next up is The Lion King with Squeeks...
Lastly, I don't want to get into details, but there is an "issue" going on within my family (no, no one cheated, and no, no one's pregnant). Ace, MK, & I are fine; we are strong & will get through this, but for those who are so inclined -- if you wish to send some good vibes, that would be appreciated. For the time being, this does affect how often we're all online, so if you need to reach me quickly, text my cell phone.
Monday, August 8, 2016
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Family Update
Ace has now been unemployed for a month and a half. He has yet to have a migraine (although there have been a couple days where it would have taken that turn had he not thwarted it with meds & a nap). He now regularly gets up no later than 7am, no alarm. He has taken a few more webinars and has a phone meeting with his case worker next week. The LinkedIn page and his resume are as tweaked as he can make them (yes, I "red-penned" them, at his request). He still doesn't know what he wants to do, but the antsiness has kicked in (lol), so he's started to look. His child support for Squeeks has been officially terminated and canceled. Our medical has been switched to Cobra. We're still waiting for the last couple of distributions, and he still has to figure out where we want to move the life insurance to (they have a company or we can move it to our own; we'll probably move it to USAA).
As for us as a couple, having him home has been 99% good (the 1% is only because I have to tell him "I'm in class" when I need to get some computering done - I watch a daily webcast about goings on in the nail industry, and I joined an online educational website that is subscription based). We have started hiking together (three so far; two more in the near future are planned... Princess will accompany us on some, as will the dogs), we finished the garden (All three of us are involved, btw; tomatoes have babies, the radishes have been harvested, the herbs have all been used on a regular basis but are now bolting, and everything else is growing well; it's just a waiting game), and he's made dinner almost every night ("earning his keep", he jokingly said). We have also taken a couple of exploratory drives and have found camping, fishing, and scenic areas not too far from home, and not crowded at all. Now, we just have to get back on the bike... stupid rain. :)
GamerBoy passed his second attempt at his Calculus class, and has been accepted into UofO's Business School, starting in the Fall. His original roommate moved out and he found what seem to be a good fit in a young couple. He is no longer at the cleaning service company, but is getting more hours (& enjoying) at a janitorial company instead. He also was granted some financial aid (now based on his own income level), which won't cover all his school expenses, but is a lot better than covering out of his own pocket. Ace has a Father's Day date coming up with him next week.
Squeeks, as I mentioned, is no longer getting child support (per Oregon statutes). She turned 21y a few days ago, and finished her Associate's Degree at MHCC. To celebrate both, her mother took her to Vegas (oh, and her grandparents flew her to their island home a few weeks ago)! She got a second job, online order runner for Fred Meyer, and got a call from an event services company she worked for last summer to ocassionally staff at fairs, concerts, etc. So, until she figures out what career path she wants, these three jobs should keep her fairly busy, and should bulk up her savings account (if she's careful). To assist with that, she moved back in with her mother; Maleficent is only charging her half of what she was paying at her other house, and that includes food, etc.
Princess finishes her sophomore year (this Thurs is their last day) on the Honor Roll again (of course... gotta maintain Honor Roll to stay in the NHS). Currently, without her Finals grades in the system, she is running 6 A's and two B's. One B is 86% and the other is 89%, so she's hoping to bump those up to A's. This year, she co-stage managed four school plays (unfortunately, her beloved drama teacher/director has been offered his old job back and he'll be leaving next month; I hope next year's is just as awesome), and worked for a multitude of outside companies (who were able to rent the H.S.'s auditorium for their own productions) doing backstage assistance (costume changing, makeup assistance, curtain, etc).
She was an active member of NHS (including putting in more volunteer hours than was required) & GSA (both of which will continue through). In a show of solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community, she & KP even "got married" at the GSA booth during their end of year carnival. Anyway, regardless of her final grades, she's worked so very hard this year; with my brother's assistance, we are gifting her a tablet of her own. She has some fun summer plans coming quickly, as well. Last weekend, I took her to get her brows redone. This Thursday afternoon, she has a hair redo appointment. Monday, she leaves for a Theatre trip to Ashland. The Sunday after that, she leaves for a humanitarian trip to Utah (and is bringing THREE friends). That's just June...
I tried to get her into the driver's ed program through PCC, but for some unknown reason, they are not offering any this summer, so I am now looking into doing a similar program through a private company. She is not "gung-ho" about driving, so I am not pushing; we only gently nudge as we go somewhere not too far, and are able to stay on local roads for now (no way is she ready for highways yet). Driving is a personal thing, and I'd much rather her be comfortable and earn her hours slowly, than us pushing her too hard, making her get her license, and her ending up in an accident because she wasn't ready. She knows that if she doesn't have her license by the time her permit expires, the renewal is on her, and she's okay with that. And, she started working for me at my salon, doing cleaning, organizing, answering my phone, etc... She will continue to join me at work about once a week, as she is available, and earn herself a little extra spending cash.
**WILDEBEEST UPDATE**
From what I've been told/observed, she is still pining for MG... well... online, publicly, at least. But, she also recently bragged about kicking ass in court, so I find that interesting. You either want to be with him or you don't. At this point, I'm not sure why she'd still want to; some people are just a "glutton for punishment", I suppose. I know he took his girlfriend to Washington to meet more of his family and join in on a new-house celebration weekend. I know K.C. has been wearing a ring on her left ring finger (not real gold/diamond, but still possibly an engagement or promise ring). I know Wildebeest has more than one job, has added volunteering at the Curvy Chic sale (I've already warned my friends to watch out for her this Fall), lives near the Aloha INTEL, and has cut ties with practically ALL the Gonzo clan, claiming that they are not worthy of spending time with her daughters (more honestly, she's just pissed that his family is treating her & KC the same way they treated me & her so many years ago... what comes around goes around, huh, Wildebeest?). I'm actually suprised the divorce isn't done yet... What are you waiting for?!?!? MG, if you're reading this, just do it. You will be happier, KC will be happier, and JG will get over it. Let her play the martyr if she wants; don't let her bring down your happiness.
As for us as a couple, having him home has been 99% good (the 1% is only because I have to tell him "I'm in class" when I need to get some computering done - I watch a daily webcast about goings on in the nail industry, and I joined an online educational website that is subscription based). We have started hiking together (three so far; two more in the near future are planned... Princess will accompany us on some, as will the dogs), we finished the garden (All three of us are involved, btw; tomatoes have babies, the radishes have been harvested, the herbs have all been used on a regular basis but are now bolting, and everything else is growing well; it's just a waiting game), and he's made dinner almost every night ("earning his keep", he jokingly said). We have also taken a couple of exploratory drives and have found camping, fishing, and scenic areas not too far from home, and not crowded at all. Now, we just have to get back on the bike... stupid rain. :)
GamerBoy passed his second attempt at his Calculus class, and has been accepted into UofO's Business School, starting in the Fall. His original roommate moved out and he found what seem to be a good fit in a young couple. He is no longer at the cleaning service company, but is getting more hours (& enjoying) at a janitorial company instead. He also was granted some financial aid (now based on his own income level), which won't cover all his school expenses, but is a lot better than covering out of his own pocket. Ace has a Father's Day date coming up with him next week.
Squeeks, as I mentioned, is no longer getting child support (per Oregon statutes). She turned 21y a few days ago, and finished her Associate's Degree at MHCC. To celebrate both, her mother took her to Vegas (oh, and her grandparents flew her to their island home a few weeks ago)! She got a second job, online order runner for Fred Meyer, and got a call from an event services company she worked for last summer to ocassionally staff at fairs, concerts, etc. So, until she figures out what career path she wants, these three jobs should keep her fairly busy, and should bulk up her savings account (if she's careful). To assist with that, she moved back in with her mother; Maleficent is only charging her half of what she was paying at her other house, and that includes food, etc.
Princess finishes her sophomore year (this Thurs is their last day) on the Honor Roll again (of course... gotta maintain Honor Roll to stay in the NHS). Currently, without her Finals grades in the system, she is running 6 A's and two B's. One B is 86% and the other is 89%, so she's hoping to bump those up to A's. This year, she co-stage managed four school plays (unfortunately, her beloved drama teacher/director has been offered his old job back and he'll be leaving next month; I hope next year's is just as awesome), and worked for a multitude of outside companies (who were able to rent the H.S.'s auditorium for their own productions) doing backstage assistance (costume changing, makeup assistance, curtain, etc).
She was an active member of NHS (including putting in more volunteer hours than was required) & GSA (both of which will continue through). In a show of solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community, she & KP even "got married" at the GSA booth during their end of year carnival. Anyway, regardless of her final grades, she's worked so very hard this year; with my brother's assistance, we are gifting her a tablet of her own. She has some fun summer plans coming quickly, as well. Last weekend, I took her to get her brows redone. This Thursday afternoon, she has a hair redo appointment. Monday, she leaves for a Theatre trip to Ashland. The Sunday after that, she leaves for a humanitarian trip to Utah (and is bringing THREE friends). That's just June...
I tried to get her into the driver's ed program through PCC, but for some unknown reason, they are not offering any this summer, so I am now looking into doing a similar program through a private company. She is not "gung-ho" about driving, so I am not pushing; we only gently nudge as we go somewhere not too far, and are able to stay on local roads for now (no way is she ready for highways yet). Driving is a personal thing, and I'd much rather her be comfortable and earn her hours slowly, than us pushing her too hard, making her get her license, and her ending up in an accident because she wasn't ready. She knows that if she doesn't have her license by the time her permit expires, the renewal is on her, and she's okay with that. And, she started working for me at my salon, doing cleaning, organizing, answering my phone, etc... She will continue to join me at work about once a week, as she is available, and earn herself a little extra spending cash.
**WILDEBEEST UPDATE**
From what I've been told/observed, she is still pining for MG... well... online, publicly, at least. But, she also recently bragged about kicking ass in court, so I find that interesting. You either want to be with him or you don't. At this point, I'm not sure why she'd still want to; some people are just a "glutton for punishment", I suppose. I know he took his girlfriend to Washington to meet more of his family and join in on a new-house celebration weekend. I know K.C. has been wearing a ring on her left ring finger (not real gold/diamond, but still possibly an engagement or promise ring). I know Wildebeest has more than one job, has added volunteering at the Curvy Chic sale (I've already warned my friends to watch out for her this Fall), lives near the Aloha INTEL, and has cut ties with practically ALL the Gonzo clan, claiming that they are not worthy of spending time with her daughters (more honestly, she's just pissed that his family is treating her & KC the same way they treated me & her so many years ago... what comes around goes around, huh, Wildebeest?). I'm actually suprised the divorce isn't done yet... What are you waiting for?!?!? MG, if you're reading this, just do it. You will be happier, KC will be happier, and JG will get over it. Let her play the martyr if she wants; don't let her bring down your happiness.
Friday, May 13, 2016
My New Guns...
Two weeks ago, after 23 years with the company, Ace was one of almost 1000 people who left Intel. To clarify, he did NOT get fired; he took what they call a Separation Package (had he been fired, there would have been no compensation). This package includes keeping his company cell phone (they terminated the contract a week later, but we can wipe it & sell it or use it ourselves), a choice of COBRA coverage, a lump sum (a large chunk of weeks, base salary) of his pay, job search assistance, and more. He is eligible for unemployment. His sick & vacation days will also be cashed out and he will be able to transfer our life insurance policies and his 401K. Of course, we also have been smart with our own money; we have no outstanding debts, no mortgage, etc... and have roughly 18 months worth of living expenses in a savings account (not counting my new car fund, which we're still planning on buying... some time this Fall, I think).
When he got home, he floundered a bit; not knowing what to do with himself. After I made us lunch, though, he goes, "Let's get some work done," and proceeded to make a lot of sawdust (in case you missed that post, we've been building a nice raised garden bed for vegetables). The photo of sawdust I took was posted on his Facebook page with, "How I spent my first day no longer working for Intel." Since then, he's worked on his LinkedIn page, his resume, and has had two meetings with the job search people. He has four webinars he's signed up for for next week, as well. While he's not sure what he wants to do, yet, we are financially able for him to take some time to figure it out.
He's been sleeping better, hasn't had a migraine, and is in a good mood all the time. Since he left Intel, we've also done something with the garden bed every day. He is down two pants sizes and his upper arms are super-defined. I am more defined all over and can actually see results in my own upper arms as well. As of today, the box is 1/3 full of the soil mix. Ace's plan while I'm at work is to get more of it from the pile in the front yard to the box in the back. Since he's sore from yesterday's work (we all are), he may or may not get it done. If needed, once it cools off this evening, I'll go out & work, as well. Once it's done, we'll be ready for plant starters!
When he got home, he floundered a bit; not knowing what to do with himself. After I made us lunch, though, he goes, "Let's get some work done," and proceeded to make a lot of sawdust (in case you missed that post, we've been building a nice raised garden bed for vegetables). The photo of sawdust I took was posted on his Facebook page with, "How I spent my first day no longer working for Intel." Since then, he's worked on his LinkedIn page, his resume, and has had two meetings with the job search people. He has four webinars he's signed up for for next week, as well. While he's not sure what he wants to do, yet, we are financially able for him to take some time to figure it out.
He's been sleeping better, hasn't had a migraine, and is in a good mood all the time. Since he left Intel, we've also done something with the garden bed every day. He is down two pants sizes and his upper arms are super-defined. I am more defined all over and can actually see results in my own upper arms as well. As of today, the box is 1/3 full of the soil mix. Ace's plan while I'm at work is to get more of it from the pile in the front yard to the box in the back. Since he's sore from yesterday's work (we all are), he may or may not get it done. If needed, once it cools off this evening, I'll go out & work, as well. Once it's done, we'll be ready for plant starters!
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Rant #2 - #5, of 5 -- All At Once
I was going to address these individually, but figured I could make it one blog post, since each thing I have to say is short...
2. Gender Roles
3. Trans Community
4. Weight Issues
5. FaceBook posts
2. Why do we still judge others based on religious beliefs? Why do we try to make laws based on those? Where did our country take a huge wrong turn, and try to put everything discriminatory under the "Religious Freedom" umbrella? Your rights end when they infringe upon others' rights. Period. End of sentence. You want to be a stay at home mom or dad? Cool. You want to wear a dress? Ok. You want to let your kids play with the pink Legos? Whatever. But, the minute you try to tell me *I* need to stay home, wear a dress, and that pink Legos are only for girls is the minute we're going to have a problem.
3. Dear Trans community -- I not only bought five of the "I'll Go With You" buttons; I will *actually* go with you; you just have to ask. Find me in the Portland Oregon area; I'll have the button proudly pinned on my purse. And, I *will* go with you. also, I do nails for living... you are welcome in my salon. Dear transphobic people -- you're not actually "phobic"; that word means "fear of..." Or, maybe you are. Uneducated people are usually fearful of all they don't know. But, more likely, you're just an asshole.
4. Why is "fat shaming" a thing? Why is this like one of the only "societally acceptable" discriminations still deemed ok by the majority of people? Don't sit there and tell me you're "only concerned for their health... or their children..." or whatever. Bullshit. You are being rude, condescending, and judgmental for no other reason that you're a bully. You do it because it makes you feel superior. You're a child in an adult's clothing, and my teenager is a better person than you are. Shame on you!
5. I post things that interest me, articles calling out the racist/discriminatory/anti-woman rhetoric, stuff I did/will do that day, upcoming events, and more. It is MY page to post what I want to on. I have the ability to share, post, comment, "like", or scroll past other people's posts. You, too, have the same ability to share, post, comment, "like", and scroll without commenting. When doing so, please remember that Golden Rule most of us grew up knowing (although, by the looks of some people's posts, they apparently don't *remember* what it means). If you don't agree, scroll on past!
How about this -- STOP JUDGING OTHERS!! Oh, while I'm at it -- I will not only NOT say the Pledge of Allegiance, I won't even stand for it... and neither will my daughter if she doesn't want to. AND YOU CAN'T MAKE US! (Side note - I've made a conscious effort recently to not even "like" posts I deem sexist, even if you are posting it all in jest, or to poke a little fun. I'm going to continue down my path of equality, humanism, and feminism... whether you like it or not.)
2. Gender Roles
3. Trans Community
4. Weight Issues
5. FaceBook posts
2. Why do we still judge others based on religious beliefs? Why do we try to make laws based on those? Where did our country take a huge wrong turn, and try to put everything discriminatory under the "Religious Freedom" umbrella? Your rights end when they infringe upon others' rights. Period. End of sentence. You want to be a stay at home mom or dad? Cool. You want to wear a dress? Ok. You want to let your kids play with the pink Legos? Whatever. But, the minute you try to tell me *I* need to stay home, wear a dress, and that pink Legos are only for girls is the minute we're going to have a problem.
3. Dear Trans community -- I not only bought five of the "I'll Go With You" buttons; I will *actually* go with you; you just have to ask. Find me in the Portland Oregon area; I'll have the button proudly pinned on my purse. And, I *will* go with you. also, I do nails for living... you are welcome in my salon. Dear transphobic people -- you're not actually "phobic"; that word means "fear of..." Or, maybe you are. Uneducated people are usually fearful of all they don't know. But, more likely, you're just an asshole.
4. Why is "fat shaming" a thing? Why is this like one of the only "societally acceptable" discriminations still deemed ok by the majority of people? Don't sit there and tell me you're "only concerned for their health... or their children..." or whatever. Bullshit. You are being rude, condescending, and judgmental for no other reason that you're a bully. You do it because it makes you feel superior. You're a child in an adult's clothing, and my teenager is a better person than you are. Shame on you!
5. I post things that interest me, articles calling out the racist/discriminatory/anti-woman rhetoric, stuff I did/will do that day, upcoming events, and more. It is MY page to post what I want to on. I have the ability to share, post, comment, "like", or scroll past other people's posts. You, too, have the same ability to share, post, comment, "like", and scroll without commenting. When doing so, please remember that Golden Rule most of us grew up knowing (although, by the looks of some people's posts, they apparently don't *remember* what it means). If you don't agree, scroll on past!
How about this -- STOP JUDGING OTHERS!! Oh, while I'm at it -- I will not only NOT say the Pledge of Allegiance, I won't even stand for it... and neither will my daughter if she doesn't want to. AND YOU CAN'T MAKE US! (Side note - I've made a conscious effort recently to not even "like" posts I deem sexist, even if you are posting it all in jest, or to poke a little fun. I'm going to continue down my path of equality, humanism, and feminism... whether you like it or not.)
Friday, April 1, 2016
Happy Anniversary to us, and some good advice...
I found this article back in December, 2015... but saved it to post today. Today is my and Ace's 12th wedding anniversary. Believe me, it's not all wine & roses (I don't even like roses). We've had some shit thrown at us: both of us were married before, to some not-so-good people. Both of us had children in those past relationships; that makes things harder. Both of us had our own ideas of how to run the house, not necessarily the same ideas. BUT, we were together two and a half years before we got married and we talked about everything... yes, everything. So, after you read that article I posted above, come back here, and see my own personal touch to those bits --
1. Why am I in THIS relationship? Do you respect and admire everything this person stands for and do they make you want to contribute to their happiness? Or are the comforts of the relationship, such as finances or other conveniences, the reason why you’re together? Are you afraid of being alone? Be sure that the person you choose to spend your life with is not a crutch. Ace and I are equal partners in everything we do. He may make more money than I do, but every dollar is still "ours". We make decisions together, or at least support decisions made independently (always with the family in mind). We are more happy & complete together. We may not agree on everything (really, who does?) but we do respect each other's opinions.
2. Do I really trust this partner? Trust is a solid foundation. Honestly answer this question and if it’s a ‘no,’ decide whether that trust can be formed or rebuilt. Without it, the relationship is doomed. My ex-husband cheated on me multiple times, with more than one person; it was only the last one (Wildebeest) that he ended up marrying... and he still cheated on her later. Some part of me knew he stepped out on me, but I refused to believe it for a while. I lied to myself about it. But, I knew. Before we got married, he accused me of cheating; I know now that was the epitome of the term "deflection". He used to say stuff like, "I trust you, but I don't trust..." whoever I was with (co-workers, certain family members, some friends, etc). Guess what? That's a false statement, and you are lying to yourself if you think it's not. You can't honestly say that you trust the person you love if you think they'll be easily influenced when they're around certain other people. I trust Ace; with everything I have. It doesn't matter who's he with or where he goes. And, he trusts me.
3. Do you want to share your finances together or have separate accounts? One of the leading causes of divorce is money problems. Make sure you’re both on the same page when it comes to finances. To make things more complicated, there are unexpected variables you should be aware of like divorce that could affect how you sort through the business of who gets to keep what. We have separate accounts; always have, probably always will. It was easier to do it this way, in the beginning anyway, because we both had potential financial issues with each of our respective exes. Now, the exes are out of the picture, but it's been this way for so long, why change it? It works for us. I *will* say two things that have changed in our financial arena -- (a) We had wills done a few years ago (which we modified when Ace adopted Princess), and I added him to the house at that time. Too much of a pain in the ass for him to keep it if I hadn't, and something happened to me. (b) We opened *one* joint account; the money is there only for me to pay house bills while waiting for his will to be probated, if he dies first. I don't believe it's necessary to HAVE joint accounts; it's only important that you agree on how to handle your household & personal finances.
4. Is for better or worse making me better or worse? Are you celebrating each other’s successes or resentful of them? If you’re intimidated by their success and not supportive because you’re envious, you’re breeding competition. You should be team members, not rivals. No additional notes needed. :)
5. Am I a parent or a partner? Pampering someone you love is one thing. But make sure the relationship doesn’t go in the direction of being parental towards your mate. It’s going to be awkward when you feel like you’re raising a husband and you start resenting him. Punishment is far from romantic, unless spanking is a practice meant for other purposes. If you feel your husband acts like a child, why are you married to him? Marriage should be an equal partnership, not one parenting the other. Perhaps your relationship should be reevaluated if you feel he's more like a child and less like a husband...
6. Do you both want to have kids? This is a huge deal breaker if you don’t share the same desires. Make sure you discuss your options carefully. You don’t want to bring a child into a broken home. No kids is better than ones raised in an uphappy home, so make sure you're on the same page with this one BEFORE you start a family (or don't start one; I'm all about you having the choice). In our case, Ace & I both had kids before we got together, so the discussion wasn't "should we have kids?"; it was "should we have another kid?" We went back and forth for a couple years, but in the end, decided we'd rather give what we had (emotionally) to the three existing ones.
7. What am I doing to hold us back? Let go of your ego and figure out what the problem is. Is it fixable? Could you show signs that you care by admitting to mistakes and be willing to change? In our case; the answer to the first part of this one is "nothing". Neither of us hold the other one back. We are both completely free to do whatever we wish; we just happen to always choose things that strengthen the family, not weaken it.
8. Am I happy in this relationship? Disagreements and occasional fighting may rear its ugly head. But if they’re frequent, ask yourself if it’s worth working through with communication, given that your partner is compliant. Counseling should not be ruled out if necessary. Never use marriage as a band-aid to repair a relationship in the hopes that matters will resolve themselves in time. Couples are bound to disagree sometimes. Disagreements are not the problem; the problem is the disrespect and unwillingness to come to an agreement of some sort. You don't have to agree on everything, but if you can't come to a compromise, just agree to disagree and move on.
9. Am I feeling trapped? Are you staying in the relationship out of obligation? Or do you constantly look for a way out? Sure, relationships are an investment. But are you invested in the time you put in as a couple, or are you invested in your partner? One thing I hear often -- "We're staying together for the sake of the children." Ridiculous. Your children are better off with two happy, separated, parents than they'll ever be with two unhappy, together, ones. Aside from that, you need to weigh the good and bad; the good should ALWAYS outweigh the bad. If it doesn't, you need to rethink being together.
10. What happens when you agree or disagree with each other? Are you willing to compromise? It shouldn’t always be about MY way, even though you might be correct. But coming up with OUR way is the better solution. See #8.
11. Are we looking in the same direction? It’s easy to be elusive when it comes to topics of marriage, religion and children when you’re in love. You shouldn’t think those topics will be discussed at a more “convenient” time. When you procrastinate having these discussions until after tying the knot, it may suddenly occur to you that the other person doesn’t share the same important values, and that you really don’t know each other at all. I love this one. I see the most ridiculous relationship advice sometimes... one of which is "don't talk about your exes." I actually think it's healthy to do so; especially if you can look at those past relationships as learning tools. Figure out what went wrong helps you grow as a person. I believe in discussing everything, including religion, parenting methods, financials (credit score, existing debt, how to split bills, what kind of money you make, etc) early on... and keep discussing. I have a feeling that religion is at least a small part of what split up my ex and Wildebeest; he was an atheist when I met him & married him. She "encouraged" (I used the word lightly, and with a rolling of my eyes) him to join her at her "non-denominational" church. For whatever reason, he pretended to be a believer until they officially split. NEVER pretend to believe something you don't. If your beliefs (religious, financial, parenting, etc) are not the same as your potential future partner's, I would advise you to question the relationship. I'm not saying you CAN'T be happy, but not agreeing on these life qualities makes life a whole lot more difficult; not just for you, but also for any children you may have.
12. Are we growing together? Do you still embody the essence of who you are as an individual while also being able to share passions together? My husband & I have a lot of things in common... but not everything. And, that's perfect for us. I get to be the real me, he gets to be the real him, we get to enjoy our time apart pursuing things we, individually, find fun... and still make time to spend time *together*.
13. Are you ready to put this person’s needs above your wants? It’s all about the give and take, especially in the first years of marriage. Can you put off a trip to Mexico until she pays off her student loans? Be prepared to make certain sacrifices. Needs should almost *always* come before wants. Case in point - when my husband's mother passed away, she left him & his sister quite a bit. His portion was, of course, his to do with as he chose. He *chose* to pay off "our" debts -- the house, the cars, the credit cards, the student loans, etc. He didn't *have* do that; he could have taken a vacation, bought a boat, or a new motorcycle, or any other number of things. But, he chose to put his family and our needs first. He chose to settle our debts so we could all move forward together.
14. What is my gut telling me? Your instincts are usually right. Don’t suppress them. I should have listened to my gut when I began questioning my first husband... and his mistress-turned wife-now estranged. I knew they were having an affair, but had a hard time being honest with myself about it until it almost slapped me in the face. With Ace, I have none of that. In our now 12 years of marriage, never have I ever felt mistrust.
15. Where is this going? While the present could be wonderful, there should eventually be a plan for the future of the relationship. Are you making life decisions together and setting goals? Our future is together, and we plan accordingly. We plan to have grandkids (eventually). We plan to move, probably. We plan to retire, hopefully before we're dead. ;) Whatever it holds, it will be together, and we work regularly to make sure that is always at the forefront for both of us.
16. Can we have fun together? If tasks like running errands together make you enjoy each other’s companionship, you’re probably in good shape. You don’t want to be that couple at a restaurant that doesn’t acknowledge each other, and all you hear are utensils scraping the plate. HAHA. This is so important. Even after all this time, we still make each other smile, laugh, roll our eyes, and we truly enjoy each other's company. We even run errands together most Mondays because it's guaranteed time.
17. Can we have fun apart? Don’t be defined by the person you’re with. Can you enjoy time alone without feeling obligations to each other? He still occasionally goes to a concert or a friend's or on a motorcycle ride... alone. I still hang out with my friends or certain members of my family, without him. Some time apart is perfectly healthy.
18. Is this relationship balanced? Are you both making equal compromises? Or does he/she take a mile when you give an inch? Yes, yes, no. A balanced, fair, and equal relationship makes for a happy relationship.
19. Does my partner have my back? Do you support each other as loyal teammates with or without each other’s presence? Every damned day, no matter what.
20. Could you spend the rest of your life with this person if they become incapacitated? Sometimes, unfortunate things will happen when life takes an unexpected turn. As an example, if a car accident happens and one of you becomes paralyzed or lose a limb, would you be willing to stick by each other’s side for the rest of your lives? Without a doubt, yes. When we had our motorcycle accident, I spent months taking care of Ace, our daughter, and the house. He just couldn't do it. He felt horrible not being able to do his part, but (I reminded him many many times) he physically could NOT do them, so I did. That's what true partnership is. He's truly got my back... and I've got his. We are a team, equal partners, and equal parents; I wouldn't have it any other way.
There are no wrong answers. But just make sure they’re the right answers for you. Here's to the rest of our lifetime...
1. Why am I in THIS relationship? Do you respect and admire everything this person stands for and do they make you want to contribute to their happiness? Or are the comforts of the relationship, such as finances or other conveniences, the reason why you’re together? Are you afraid of being alone? Be sure that the person you choose to spend your life with is not a crutch. Ace and I are equal partners in everything we do. He may make more money than I do, but every dollar is still "ours". We make decisions together, or at least support decisions made independently (always with the family in mind). We are more happy & complete together. We may not agree on everything (really, who does?) but we do respect each other's opinions.
2. Do I really trust this partner? Trust is a solid foundation. Honestly answer this question and if it’s a ‘no,’ decide whether that trust can be formed or rebuilt. Without it, the relationship is doomed. My ex-husband cheated on me multiple times, with more than one person; it was only the last one (Wildebeest) that he ended up marrying... and he still cheated on her later. Some part of me knew he stepped out on me, but I refused to believe it for a while. I lied to myself about it. But, I knew. Before we got married, he accused me of cheating; I know now that was the epitome of the term "deflection". He used to say stuff like, "I trust you, but I don't trust..." whoever I was with (co-workers, certain family members, some friends, etc). Guess what? That's a false statement, and you are lying to yourself if you think it's not. You can't honestly say that you trust the person you love if you think they'll be easily influenced when they're around certain other people. I trust Ace; with everything I have. It doesn't matter who's he with or where he goes. And, he trusts me.
3. Do you want to share your finances together or have separate accounts? One of the leading causes of divorce is money problems. Make sure you’re both on the same page when it comes to finances. To make things more complicated, there are unexpected variables you should be aware of like divorce that could affect how you sort through the business of who gets to keep what. We have separate accounts; always have, probably always will. It was easier to do it this way, in the beginning anyway, because we both had potential financial issues with each of our respective exes. Now, the exes are out of the picture, but it's been this way for so long, why change it? It works for us. I *will* say two things that have changed in our financial arena -- (a) We had wills done a few years ago (which we modified when Ace adopted Princess), and I added him to the house at that time. Too much of a pain in the ass for him to keep it if I hadn't, and something happened to me. (b) We opened *one* joint account; the money is there only for me to pay house bills while waiting for his will to be probated, if he dies first. I don't believe it's necessary to HAVE joint accounts; it's only important that you agree on how to handle your household & personal finances.
4. Is for better or worse making me better or worse? Are you celebrating each other’s successes or resentful of them? If you’re intimidated by their success and not supportive because you’re envious, you’re breeding competition. You should be team members, not rivals. No additional notes needed. :)
5. Am I a parent or a partner? Pampering someone you love is one thing. But make sure the relationship doesn’t go in the direction of being parental towards your mate. It’s going to be awkward when you feel like you’re raising a husband and you start resenting him. Punishment is far from romantic, unless spanking is a practice meant for other purposes. If you feel your husband acts like a child, why are you married to him? Marriage should be an equal partnership, not one parenting the other. Perhaps your relationship should be reevaluated if you feel he's more like a child and less like a husband...
6. Do you both want to have kids? This is a huge deal breaker if you don’t share the same desires. Make sure you discuss your options carefully. You don’t want to bring a child into a broken home. No kids is better than ones raised in an uphappy home, so make sure you're on the same page with this one BEFORE you start a family (or don't start one; I'm all about you having the choice). In our case, Ace & I both had kids before we got together, so the discussion wasn't "should we have kids?"; it was "should we have another kid?" We went back and forth for a couple years, but in the end, decided we'd rather give what we had (emotionally) to the three existing ones.
7. What am I doing to hold us back? Let go of your ego and figure out what the problem is. Is it fixable? Could you show signs that you care by admitting to mistakes and be willing to change? In our case; the answer to the first part of this one is "nothing". Neither of us hold the other one back. We are both completely free to do whatever we wish; we just happen to always choose things that strengthen the family, not weaken it.
8. Am I happy in this relationship? Disagreements and occasional fighting may rear its ugly head. But if they’re frequent, ask yourself if it’s worth working through with communication, given that your partner is compliant. Counseling should not be ruled out if necessary. Never use marriage as a band-aid to repair a relationship in the hopes that matters will resolve themselves in time. Couples are bound to disagree sometimes. Disagreements are not the problem; the problem is the disrespect and unwillingness to come to an agreement of some sort. You don't have to agree on everything, but if you can't come to a compromise, just agree to disagree and move on.
9. Am I feeling trapped? Are you staying in the relationship out of obligation? Or do you constantly look for a way out? Sure, relationships are an investment. But are you invested in the time you put in as a couple, or are you invested in your partner? One thing I hear often -- "We're staying together for the sake of the children." Ridiculous. Your children are better off with two happy, separated, parents than they'll ever be with two unhappy, together, ones. Aside from that, you need to weigh the good and bad; the good should ALWAYS outweigh the bad. If it doesn't, you need to rethink being together.
10. What happens when you agree or disagree with each other? Are you willing to compromise? It shouldn’t always be about MY way, even though you might be correct. But coming up with OUR way is the better solution. See #8.
11. Are we looking in the same direction? It’s easy to be elusive when it comes to topics of marriage, religion and children when you’re in love. You shouldn’t think those topics will be discussed at a more “convenient” time. When you procrastinate having these discussions until after tying the knot, it may suddenly occur to you that the other person doesn’t share the same important values, and that you really don’t know each other at all. I love this one. I see the most ridiculous relationship advice sometimes... one of which is "don't talk about your exes." I actually think it's healthy to do so; especially if you can look at those past relationships as learning tools. Figure out what went wrong helps you grow as a person. I believe in discussing everything, including religion, parenting methods, financials (credit score, existing debt, how to split bills, what kind of money you make, etc) early on... and keep discussing. I have a feeling that religion is at least a small part of what split up my ex and Wildebeest; he was an atheist when I met him & married him. She "encouraged" (I used the word lightly, and with a rolling of my eyes) him to join her at her "non-denominational" church. For whatever reason, he pretended to be a believer until they officially split. NEVER pretend to believe something you don't. If your beliefs (religious, financial, parenting, etc) are not the same as your potential future partner's, I would advise you to question the relationship. I'm not saying you CAN'T be happy, but not agreeing on these life qualities makes life a whole lot more difficult; not just for you, but also for any children you may have.
12. Are we growing together? Do you still embody the essence of who you are as an individual while also being able to share passions together? My husband & I have a lot of things in common... but not everything. And, that's perfect for us. I get to be the real me, he gets to be the real him, we get to enjoy our time apart pursuing things we, individually, find fun... and still make time to spend time *together*.
13. Are you ready to put this person’s needs above your wants? It’s all about the give and take, especially in the first years of marriage. Can you put off a trip to Mexico until she pays off her student loans? Be prepared to make certain sacrifices. Needs should almost *always* come before wants. Case in point - when my husband's mother passed away, she left him & his sister quite a bit. His portion was, of course, his to do with as he chose. He *chose* to pay off "our" debts -- the house, the cars, the credit cards, the student loans, etc. He didn't *have* do that; he could have taken a vacation, bought a boat, or a new motorcycle, or any other number of things. But, he chose to put his family and our needs first. He chose to settle our debts so we could all move forward together.
14. What is my gut telling me? Your instincts are usually right. Don’t suppress them. I should have listened to my gut when I began questioning my first husband... and his mistress-turned wife-now estranged. I knew they were having an affair, but had a hard time being honest with myself about it until it almost slapped me in the face. With Ace, I have none of that. In our now 12 years of marriage, never have I ever felt mistrust.
15. Where is this going? While the present could be wonderful, there should eventually be a plan for the future of the relationship. Are you making life decisions together and setting goals? Our future is together, and we plan accordingly. We plan to have grandkids (eventually). We plan to move, probably. We plan to retire, hopefully before we're dead. ;) Whatever it holds, it will be together, and we work regularly to make sure that is always at the forefront for both of us.
16. Can we have fun together? If tasks like running errands together make you enjoy each other’s companionship, you’re probably in good shape. You don’t want to be that couple at a restaurant that doesn’t acknowledge each other, and all you hear are utensils scraping the plate. HAHA. This is so important. Even after all this time, we still make each other smile, laugh, roll our eyes, and we truly enjoy each other's company. We even run errands together most Mondays because it's guaranteed time.
17. Can we have fun apart? Don’t be defined by the person you’re with. Can you enjoy time alone without feeling obligations to each other? He still occasionally goes to a concert or a friend's or on a motorcycle ride... alone. I still hang out with my friends or certain members of my family, without him. Some time apart is perfectly healthy.
18. Is this relationship balanced? Are you both making equal compromises? Or does he/she take a mile when you give an inch? Yes, yes, no. A balanced, fair, and equal relationship makes for a happy relationship.
19. Does my partner have my back? Do you support each other as loyal teammates with or without each other’s presence? Every damned day, no matter what.
20. Could you spend the rest of your life with this person if they become incapacitated? Sometimes, unfortunate things will happen when life takes an unexpected turn. As an example, if a car accident happens and one of you becomes paralyzed or lose a limb, would you be willing to stick by each other’s side for the rest of your lives? Without a doubt, yes. When we had our motorcycle accident, I spent months taking care of Ace, our daughter, and the house. He just couldn't do it. He felt horrible not being able to do his part, but (I reminded him many many times) he physically could NOT do them, so I did. That's what true partnership is. He's truly got my back... and I've got his. We are a team, equal partners, and equal parents; I wouldn't have it any other way.
There are no wrong answers. But just make sure they’re the right answers for you. Here's to the rest of our lifetime...
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